Life Goes On

Huscaran - the second largest mountain in the Americas.

One of the biggest challenges of life overseas, or in this case in the Peace Corps, is that as you are facing all of these great new adventures in a new culture with cool people, all the cool people you left behind in the States (or elsewhere) are having great adventures that you are missing. For example, my friend Brenda emailed me today to tell me she will be having her fourth child in just three short days. I have barely been a part of her third child's life and now I'm over here and won't even be in the same country (let alone the same state or city) for the delivery of this child. And sometimes this thought makes me very sad.

But maybe what makes me even more sad is the passing of my good friend Noah Ginnings at the age of 26 after a 7 year battle with brain cancer. I recieved the news Thursday afternoon via email from another good friend and have pretty much cried the last two days. It's hard to lose someone, but it's even harder when you have no one else to mourn with, no one who knows who you are talking about and what impact that person had on your life.

And these are only a few examples other friends have had babies, gotten married, found new jobs, started dating, broke up with the love of their lives, etc. And yet, what I do now, where I live now has become the new normal. I wake up to the knowledge that I am often more concerned with how my PC friends are doing, or if my counterpart's grandson has been released from the hospital, and how my Spanish is fairing in any given setting. All adventures. I guess sometimes it just feels like a shame that we only get to live one life at a time. And sometimes, I guess that's more than enough. But right now, for me, it's just not enough. I want to be able to hold my brand new niece or nephew (Brenda's child, yep, she's like a sister) shortly after s/he is born. I want to attend Noah's memorial service and cry my eyes out with others whose lives he touched. But I also want to be here hanging out the with the students at the school Virgen de las Merecedes and cracking jokes with my host family at dinner.

The next step, of course, is that I return to the States and I start to miss out on the adventures here in Peru. I find myself thinking about this more than I should while I'm still living here. I'll miss the graduation of my favorite class of students to work with, my host sisters will get married and have children - hopefully after they finish university, and my host grandparents will pass away (also hopefully after some time).

I did sign up for this, and the double life is one we live whether we want to or not. So, I guess I write this post to say "keep in touch." I still want to be a part of your lives, and I write this blog to keep you firmly in mine.

Yes, I live here. Don't hate.

Elections, elections, and more elections

Many people ask if we PC Volunteers keep up with what's going on with the U.S. elections, and the truth is we can be as involved and aware or uninvolved and ignorant as we want to be. I actually watched much of the Democratic National Convention from my hostel room in Lima. And I get email updates about the elections where I could watch the speeches at the Republican National Convention. So I know what's going on. It's not as in my face here, and I do have to do some research, but I appreciate those people or organizations in which I am a member that keep me posted on all the important political and entertainment issues happening around the world.

In this new time of massive globalization I can't really walk down any street in Peru without being asked about the United States elections, and even more specifically I'm often asked about Barak Obama which I think demonstrates that the world is watching us during this election, and people from other parts of the world find Obama intriguing and his nomination as ground breaking and interesting. People rarely ask me about McCain. Sometimes I'm asked about Bush, but more and more people want to know about Obama and if I'll be voting for him. We're not supposed to take a political side being PCVs, and I'm pretty private about that kind of thing anyway. But it has helped me develop some more political vocabulary. And it's a topic that opens up doors to hear their opinions on their own President (Alan Garcia for those of you not paying attention), the Free Trade Agreement between the US and Peru, and their ideas and thoughts about the US. Sometimes where I live, people are a little closed off from stating their opinions and critical thinking isn't really taught in schools here. So I enjoy when my friends or students or co-workers (non-PCVs - because they have no problem stating their opinions) in Jangas talk about their thoughts.

In other news, I have been doing exceptionally well lately. I have been working on my Work Plan for the next four months and the truth is, I'm overwhelmed. I have so many potential projects, all of them are something I'm looking forward to working on, but it's a question of time and whether or not my community partners are excited on working on them. One of my newest frustrations is that I'll set a meeting, show up to meet, and then have to set another meeting because either everyone forgot or are busy or in another activity. So with a few organizations I have had multiple meetings to try to create new projects and activities. It's kind of crazy, but asi es la vida. In the grand scheme, it's such a minor frustration.

More to come...with pictures. I couldn't upload them today.

The Continuing Search for Motivation

Motivation can be a difficult part of the Peace Corps service. Some people are easily motivated, while others need some kind of inspiration. When I graduated from college I worked three jobs. I didn’t necessarily need the money, and I didn’t necessarily make a lot. I think I just wanted to be busy. Here, in Catilluc, every day is battle to find the motivation to do something, anything. I spend four plus hours every morning alone in my room trying to find the motivation to brush my teeth, get dressed, and be a part of my new community. I’m not sure exactly why it’s so hard to go out into Catilluc proper and start my day or my work. And when I’m not in Catilluc, I am so motivated to try a million projects and interact with the amazing people who live here. And then I return, and I feel weighed down by the burden and responsibility. I’m hoping this is a temporary result of having too much responsibility put on my shoulders by everyone around me. Responsibility that my training and education tells me is not really mine.

One of my greatest fears about development work is making the mistakes of generations before me. There is really no way to apologize for colonialism and imperialism. There is no way to apologize for the mass murder of cultures and societies in the name of development. Now, I’m not naïve enough to think I have some kind of special power that could change the way Peru exists as we know it, but isn’t it the small deaths that lead to the bigger ones. If I just took the full responsibility of the CAID for the next year and a half and then watched the doors close after four years of Peace Corps intervention, would that be a small death or just me being “overly-dramatic”? Or would it be better to walk away from the work right now, and not enable the irresponsibility of others (not that they are irresponsible in all areas of their lives, just in this organization)? And after nine months in country, I have very little to show for my time.

The above sounds so pessimistic; and I honestly don’t feel pessimistic. I feel realistic. Like now is the time of my journey to take a serious look at what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. I am making so me very strong friendships that I would honestly miss if I left tomorrow. The other day I was returning from Llamapampa (a local caserio – 45 minute walk) with my “mama” in Catilluc and it was starting to lightly rain. Now Mama Casilda (as I call her) is no spring chicken. She must be in her 50’s at least (which in this culture makes you look much older than you are), but we started to run. I was surprised by this behavior because I don’t think I’ve seen a Peruvian run yet. But Mama Casilda has this giggle that is infectious, and I found myself running and giggling with her in the rain. Every time I eat with them (which is very frequently as my host family is nowhere to be found) she insists that I need to eat more. Of course usually one plate of plain white rice is plenty sufficient, but I find myself trying to please her because she’s so sweet. Of course I’m gaining weight because of it, but it doesn’t matter at this point. Weight can always be lost, but I would never want to lose her respect especially over a measly plate of rice. Little by little I’m learning new things about myself. Little by little I’m finding that I can be content even in difficult situations. And little by little I see rays of sunshine in this very rainy time of year and time in my work.

Mama Casilda with a sheep head. I love her laugh, and we laughed a lot this day as well.

...And we're back.

It rained all of yesterday. It was my first taste of the true rainy season, and let me tell you it was kind of miserable. I usually love the rain. What is that Garbage song, "I'm only happy when it rains." In this case, it was tough. It didn't help that I had another tough discussion with my counterpart. It seems like we're all still frustrated with the slow progress in the CAID. I feel like I'm taking on a giant share of the responsibility, and I feel like that is unfair. One of the cultural problems in Peru is that everyone is afraid to accept responsibility until something goes well. Apparently there's a long history of the person responsible getting fired or in trouble when their project isn't successful. Needless to say, no one is assuming responsibility for the future of the CAID, and I believe that hinders the success.

One of the reasons I joined the Peace Corps, rather than another organization is that I knew I was going to a) be taken care of b) receive proper training c) work within the context of the local community and costums. I can't take part in "c" without the help of someone working along side of me. In fact, I hate the idea of working alone in a foreign country with only moderately decent foreign language skills. That's not development work, that's imperialism...and I have no interest in being a colonialist or imperialist. But of course, I'm faced with that inevitable questions: Am I helping or hindering the progress of the CAID by being here? I don't have an answer, but my APCD will be visiting on Thursday and I hope we have nice long talk where she can give me clarity on the matter.

Until then, I have to live with the ambiguity of it all. And now that internet is back up in the colegio, I hope that I can blog a little more frequently with my answers to the above and any other questions that come up along the way.

Frustrations

Because life in Peru is not always puppies, roses, and British children running through daisies. I thought I'd give a quick list of frustrations with some explanation.

It is often said of the church that 20% of the people are doing 80% of the work. That truth carries over to the committee I work with here in Catilluc. Part of Peace Corps goal is to make a given project sustainable, which means it will carry on after the volunteer and PC pull out. This is hard to do when no one shows up to help me work with kids, but that's okay because...

I am bored with the Youth Center right now. I'm no where near ready to start with my lessons yet, but I would love to do something more than watch the kids play, break, lose and steal the toys at the CAID. This will hopefully change soon.

Communication. I have been telling my family for weeks that I need to go to Cajamarca (my capital city) this weekend, but it was only yesterday that I learned that my father's birthday party is this weekend. Which makes me have to change my plans because birthdays are a big deal here. My weekends revolve around how quickly I can get back to Catilluc to work at the CAID...this new development makes that slightly hard.

Speaking of family, my mom is probably my biggest frustration. She's gone a lot. And last week I gave her 100 soles to buy some vegetables, knowing it would be way more than she needs. She returned with very few vegetables, no change, and a sandwich maker. Suspicious, no? We still haven't bonded yet, and I know Loli (my mom from training)is a hard act to follow, but it's easier to bond when two people are at the same place at the same time.

All in all, I still love this place and feel very lucky. I'm not bonding with my mom right now, but I am bonding with others in the community. My counterpart and I had a great chat today, I watched a pick-up game of volleyball (I might play one day), and I came to the internet with my good friend who is the Pastor's wife which made the frustrations barable (sp?). I am very content, but there are always minor glitches. There's no such thing as a perfect place or person.